This just a blog about how I have lived with a secret part of me and until recently kept it hidden, but having found @M_NikkyFrench I have started to explore the locked vaults of darkest parts of my mind.
Since an early age I have wrestled with my sexuality between my masculine and feminine sides of me and whilst society and religion simplistically and primitively only accepts hetrosexuality as the only ‘normal’ way of being, most people that I have known well, have a sexuality that fluctuates and never fits this model and in my case I have a strong female aspect within me and a naturally submissive dimension because of what life has thrown at me. Society’s way in my experience tends to see anyone that doesn’t fit that model as being deviant at the very least and treats people who have the honesty to open up as outcasts in many cases, so like many other people I have buried my inner desires deep within me and only explore this ‘dark’ side of me (which is normal to myself and not a kink) via hours of looking at online porn,
which on a personal level has been my only outlet. Added to which, there is a real fear of losing anyone close, so I have never even trusted or even wanted to express this aspect of me on a physical or mental level with anyone but myself. I would go as far to say that I am almost two people. A feminine me and a masculine me. Both want to live side by side but for many reasons the feminine side of me had to remain locked away for the fear of rejection and ridicule.
Whilst I have undergone a huge amount of psychotherapy over 25 years for many different mental health issues including physical abuse, I have never been able to even discuss this with even the best therapist because for what they might think or what they might share with my family. It would be fair to say, that having not been able to talk this through with even professional therapists is why I have never really resolved many of my underlying issues and why to a degree I remain a broken person deep inside. No one see this and I am a master of disguise. I cope with this through humour and my zest for life; I squeeze every drop out of every pip every day of my life.
I have cross dressed since the age of 14 and secretly explored the pleasures of anal penetration since about the same age and about the same time I had a natural
desire to remove all my body hair to feel closer to the feminine side of me. Volunteering to dress up on stage and taking part in anything that could somehow justify this aspect of my personality was my only outlet. I briefly explored BDSM photography back in the early 90’s and combined with poetry was accepted at a London University, but backed out at the last moment. Apart from confessing to one openly bisexual Frenchman in the mid-90’s that I cross-dressed, I rapidly made a very hasty retreat indeed when he asked me to dress up for him. Something I later regretted. I’ve always loved BDSM and amassed a reasonable collection with a large collection of dildos but sadly I’ve only used them solo!!
As the years have gone by, the desire to explore the ‘other me’ hasn’t diminished and the more I have tried to suppress it, the more it has wanted to come out. The
normal view of the inner me might be that I am bisexual but for me it’s so much more complicated than that. After fighting demons for almost 35 years, I decided to go
on an adventure full of the unknown….and that brings me to where and how I found Maitresse @M_NikkyFrench which is how the genie has been let out of the lamp….
Searching for Maitresse
Towards the middle of last year, I decided that I was going to take the first step and find a Mistress that I felt that I could trust and felt comfortable with, where I could share my thoughts and desires and explore them. I didn’t know at that stage if it was going to be something that I tried once to get it out of my system or that it would be something that would captivate me. Looking back, if I hadn’t been lucky enough to find a Mistress that I ‘clicked’ with on my first session, I probably would have been frightened off!
After having trawled the web and looking at Mistresses as far as London, I came across Maitresse Nikky French. I must admit that given some of the best years of my
life were spent with a big group of French friends, the French connection drew me in. I loved her sophisticated look and her continental charm (only from the website at
this point!) and her description of herself as being a natural Dom but friendly person first is what did it for me and perhaps on a more subtle level, there was
something that just felt right as I am always guided by my gut instinct. What also lured me in was the there was a close bond between @M_NikkyFrench & @FionaNWTV which gave me the confidence in terms of my own interests, especially anal and the desire to explore the bi side of life. Perhaps I could explore two desires at once?
It empowered me to make that first phone call….OMG my heart was racing more that my first kiss! I’m glad I did and have not looked back.
Maitresse then asked me to fill in her online Slave form; it was like being a child in a sweetie shop. There was just so many things for me to think about and
experience.